I have this super-secret plan to make millions of dollars. Here is how I’m going to do it. I’m going to invent a time machine, and I’m going to use that time machine to improve the value of real estate. I know what you’re thinking. Great scientific minds have already tried to do this and failed, you dimwitted fool! Or… perhaps you’re thinking this is not a very good super-secret plan.
I may have been exaggerating when I described my plan as “super secret”. Never mind that.
I have taken a class on astrophysics*, and I believe it’s possible. All I need to do is be able to travel faster than the speed of light from one galaxy to another and back again. No biggie. Doctor Who tells me it will probably work.**
What am I going to do once I’ve successfully gotten back to the 1970′s? No, I’m not going to interfere with my parent’s dating relationship. Considering my Dad got drunk before he met my Mom on a blind date, it’s already kind of a miracle they made it to date #2…
Here is what I’m going to do. For a
small fee, oh who am I kidding? large fee, I’m going to work as an interior decorator. And I’m going to convince people that they should not undergo decorating projects that involve paneling, hideous orange wallpaper, or stucco. Seriously, we are still trying to get rid of all of these hideous decorating mistakes from the seventies… the olive green appliances, the school bus yellow counter tops, the contrasting shades of horrible, all set against the backdrop of vertical brown lines.
I want to live in a big brown cave, and even I hate it!
Yes, we are still house shopping. Yes, it still sucks, but it will suck a lot less once I’ve invented my time machine and rid the whole world of paneling and stucco. I don’t really care, mind you. (I leave it up to the engineers of the world to figure out the difference between a fixer-upper and a money pit.) It’s just that once we’ve bought the house, there won’t be much money left for renovating it. And that is why house shopping blows, especially in this area.
On the plus side, for my husband at least, our real estate agent has an amazing shoe collection. Her heels are really quite enviable. That said, I do believe my superpower edges out her superpower.
I will be ridding the world of ugly chartreuse and burnt orange wallpaper one house at a time and upping the intrinsic value of real estate in the process. Imagine house shopping in a world where there is no paneling, no stucco ceilings, and no hideous optical illusion wallpaper in the bathroom. Cue the John Lennon music... “Imagine all the people, living for today-a-a-a-ay…”
You’re welcome world. Let me know if there’s anything else I can help with.
*Yes, the class was an accident. I was hoping it would just be looking through telescopes at pretty stars. Then I started actually looking at the lab work and I cried. A lot. What can I say? There’s a reason I majored in English and not rocket science.
** Actually, he called me a crackpot. Semantics. Also, with the British accent, it was still quite charming.