Her Superpower Is Shoes. Mine Is Time Travel.

I have this super-secret plan to make millions of dollars.  Here is how I’m going to do it.  I’m going to invent a time machine, and I’m going to use that time machine to improve the value of real estate.  I know what you’re thinking.  Great scientific minds have already tried to do this and failed, you dimwitted fool!  Or… perhaps you’re thinking this is not a very good super-secret plan.

I may have been exaggerating when I described my plan as “super secret”.  Never mind that.

I have taken a class on astrophysics*, and I believe it’s possible.  All I need to do is be able to travel faster than the speed of light from one galaxy to another and back again.  No biggie.  Doctor Who tells me it will probably work.**

What am I going to do once I’ve successfully gotten back to the 1970’s?  No, I’m not going to interfere with my parent’s dating relationship.  Considering my Dad got drunk before he met my Mom on a blind date, it’s already kind of a miracle they made it to date #2…

Here is what I’m going to do.  For a small fee, oh who am I kidding? large fee, I’m going to work as an interior decorator.  And I’m going to convince people that they should not undergo decorating projects that involve paneling, hideous orange wallpaper, or stucco.  Seriously, we are still trying to get rid of all of these hideous decorating mistakes from the seventies…  the olive green appliances, the school bus yellow counter tops, the contrasting shades of horrible, all set against the backdrop of vertical brown lines.

I want to live in a big brown cave, and even I hate it!

Acrylic platform shoes.

Made you look! No, my real estate agent doesn’t actually wear stripper heels… (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yes, we are still house shopping.  Yes, it still sucks, but it will suck a lot less once I’ve invented my time machine and rid the whole world of paneling and stucco.  I don’t really care, mind you.  (I leave it up to the engineers of the world to figure out the difference between a fixer-upper and a money pit.)  It’s just that once we’ve bought the house, there won’t be much money left for renovating it.  And that is why house shopping blows, especially in this area.

On the plus side, for my husband at least, our real estate agent has an amazing shoe collection.  Her heels are really quite enviable.  That said, I do believe my superpower edges out her superpower.

I will be ridding the world of ugly chartreuse and burnt orange wallpaper one house at a time and upping the intrinsic value of real estate in the process.  Imagine house shopping in a world where there is no paneling, no stucco ceilings, and no hideous optical illusion wallpaper in the bathroom.  Cue the John Lennon music...  “Imagine all the people, living for today-a-a-a-ay…”

You’re welcome world.  Let me know if there’s anything else I can help with.

*Yes, the class was an accident.  I was hoping it would just be looking through telescopes at pretty stars.  Then I started actually looking at the lab work and I cried.  A lot.  What can I say?  There’s a reason I majored in English and not rocket science.

** Actually, he called me a crackpot.  Semantics.  Also, with the British accent, it was still quite charming.

This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

34 Responses to Her Superpower Is Shoes. Mine Is Time Travel.

  1. Carrie Rubin says:

    While you’re traveling back through time, could you also do something about that horrible shag carpeting?

  2. Sorry kid your mom doesn't play well with others says:

    Your comment on ykihayht peeked my interest so I had to come have a peek… So far I like what I see… When I get these kids to bed I’m stalking your posts :)

  3. Did your husband really notice her shoes? I never notice things like that. I’m convinced women’s shoes, pedicures, and manicures are only for the benefit of other women and men never notice.

  4. Invest in Apple Computers when you go back.

  5. You could use it in case of a zombie attack too!

  6. I have nominated you for the One Lovely Blog nominations award, Congratulations’!
    On a personal note your blogs are insightful, beautiful and worth finding, and I remember those colors from my youth, my mother had in those shades mind you striped flowers wall paper and the other side same but solid strips, our carpet was yellow and you coulnd’t walk on it. My friend had the chartreuse shag. . Lost Lamb

    • Oh, thank you! That’s probably the nicest thing anyone has said about this blog.

      Yeah, I remember the avocado appliances like it was yesterday. My grandmother had all of that, but this one house I saw… It was so outrageous it was like nothing I’d ever seen. It took color clashing to new levels.

      • I remember in the 80″s saying I would love these clothes forever, now I would die wearing them, pretty funny, at least clothes are easier to get rid of. Your blog is really, really good never know what to expect (in a good way) I like that.

  7. I think that’s brilliant. You could also be sure that people don’t strip all the fabulous old trim and woodwork out of their old houses…. cause seriously…. a little lead paint can’t be that bad for you… can it?!?!

  8. Barb says:

    And could you get rid of Harvest Gold toilets and Avocado green sinks?

  9. El Guapo says:

    Which makes me wonder – what if you already went back in time, made the change, and for some reason, it brought about the end of the universe.
    So you had to go back, undo what you changed, and upon re-entering the time stream, don;t remember you already did it?

    Yup. Good luck sleeping tonight with that in your head…

    (Oh, and if you do go back to around 1970 – 74, tell my parents turtlenecks for kids are a horrible idea.)

  10. haphillips says:

    You had me at superpowers!

  11. Which Dr Who told you? if it wasn’t Jon Pertwee it wasn’t really Dr Who.

  12. jimmydevious says:

    Or… perhaps you’re thinking this is not a very good super-secret plan.

    Actually, I was thinking about the “Scatman Song” that I just can’t get out of my head…but if I read your post looong enough, it MIGHT help! :P

    And I’m going to convince people that they should not undergo decorating projects that involve paneling, hideous orange wallpaper, or stucco.

    BUUUT…how do you KNOW that some OTHER EVIL genius didn’t ALREADY GO BACK and convince all those poor innocent sappy saps that they really need things like 10 foot long flower-power sofas, Red LED Watches and…umm…Disco?? I smell a Bond villain somewhere!!

    Or…perhaps a Belgian one.

    Happy House-Hunting, and Happy Weekend! *skeebeedeepbeeedee-do, A-skeetdeetdeepity-doo *…ahh SHITE, it’s STILL in my head!! Damn you, Scatman!! :)

  13. La La says:

    In other news, I need those stripper heels.

I write for free... so... please leave comments...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s