Why I Steal My Son’s Candy…

Apparently, we were eating Michigan themed candy…

At my son’s soccer practice, they have this evil plot to make money via the enticing combo of children and vending machines.  In case that scheme fails, they have candy dispensers right next to the vending machines.  For a mere quarter you can make all your child’s dreams come true… And you can bet the elementary school crowd is crawling all over those machines.

Last week, I caved and let my five-year-old son get M&Ms.  (We don’t need to talk about the fact that it was 6 p.m. and we were heading home to eat dinner afterwards.)  As we were sitting there, he began to separate his M&Ms into teams.  As he placed the different colors in different spots on the imaginary field, I began to pluck up the ones on the periphery and eat them.  “Hey!” my son objected.  “Outliers get eaten.” I explained.  At first he found this little game funny, but as I continued to steal his candy right out from under him, it dawned on him.  “Stop!  This isn’t fair!”  And he’s right.  It’s totally not fair; I let him get candy, only to pluck it right out from under his fingers.

In truth, I’ve been stealing my kid’s candy for years.  I’m just normally more subtle about it.  They come home with tons of it on every single holiday, so they never really notice.  And to be honest, I’ve long felt that I’m doing them a favor.  I’m probably a bad mommy for one hundred other reasons, but I firmly believe that stealing my kid’s candy makes me a good mom.  Here’s why:

1. Candy is tasty, and makes me happy.  Happy mom=happy kids

2. Childhood Diabetes is a very serious problem.  Limiting junk food and sugar helps to combat type II diabetes.

3. Childhood obesity is another very serious problem, and no one wants to wish that on their children.

4. Denying children candy (or limiting candy) helps to prevent cavities and a whole host of dental problems.  Poor dental hygiene can even kill people.  Never mind that only happens about .000000000000000000000001 % of the time, good dental health is important.

5. It teaches them about modern economics, taxes, and the redistribution of wealth, but using language they understand.

6. It teaches them the cold hard facts about life.  Outliers really do get eaten, and life really isn’t fair.  The Lord giveth, but he taketh away as well.

7. It shows them how to share, whether they like it or not.  And it’s reciprocity that makes the world go round.

I think that about wraps this post up.  Life lessons from candy, you read it here first.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a small stash of Easter chocolates that are calling my name…

This entry was posted in Humor, Parenting and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

37 Responses to Why I Steal My Son’s Candy…

  1. haphillips says:

    Great lesson in economics!

  2. I’m not a mom. Can I steal kids’ candy anyway if I use those arguments?

  3. Pingback: Flux Morals, Boobs, and Butterfingers | Ruminations on Love & Lunchmeat

  4. Reblogged this on Ruminations on Love & Lunchmeat and commented:

    By popular demand (of absolutely no one) I bring you this timely reblog. We have electricity here because we are lucky bastards, but our internet/Fios connection is broken. New posts shall resume sometime next week, probably.

    • Wow, so that’s better than just updating it and changing a few things – reblog your own posts! I am SO getting through November post-a-day now! I’m also wondering if you can follow yourself. It’s right there – follow this blog. Tempting me.

      Speaking of temptation, I steal my kids’ candy too. I am so glad to know I’m combating childhood obesity rather than being a glutton. Now there’s this big pail of the stuff right beside me. Holy cow, I’d better get cracking so me more. Thanks, L & L!

      • You should follow your own blog. That way if you’re missing from the reader you’ll know. Pictures can also go missing from the reader. (I swear I don’t do it to bolster numbers.) To my mind, the best way to bolster your numbers (besides badgering real-life friends because they love that), is to write good stuff, hopefully good enough that others can’t wait to share it. Also, twitter, but then you also have to write (and re-tweet) good tweets. i.e. Your work is never done. Ha! Now that I’ve said that, I’m going to find your babies post and tweet it to twitter world.

        The reblog is lazy, but I swear my internet and cable are broken… We fared well, but much of LI/NYC/Jersey did not.

        • Just wrote a response, clicked somewhere and whoosh. There went a lot of genius right there. anyhoo, I never thought about finding yourself in the reader. I just wondered what happened. I have found myself by looking up 50 Shades in the reader. YAY ME.

          Glad you’re doing okay out there.

  5. I don’t know about you, but everything I put in my mouth that is delicious is accompanied by a “Mom, can I have a bite?” – so WHY NOT TAKE THEIR CANDY??? I puked for 9 months straight for him – I deserve the chocolate marshmallow holiday shapped item….with all my (black) heart, I believe this.

  6. workspousestory says:

    Good justification. Loved it ;) In fact we can agree you’re doing your kids a favour!

  7. Carrie Rubin says:

    “Outliers get eaten.”—This is my favorite line of the day. I can’t wait to use it for whatever the treat in question happens to be. :)

  8. My parents used to ALWAYS tell me things weren’t fair, especially when it was them doing the unfair things. I hated it at the time, but it actually is a valuable lesson, and one that has helped me cope over the years.

    You’re a cool mom.

  9. Kim says:

    I think you covered everything… Concur on all levels!!! Wow! That’s the spammiest sounding comment I’ve ever written! Lol

  10. Brilliant. If he ever starts separating his M&M’s into Red States and Blue States then you might have a problem.

  11. The Waiting says:

    I think #5 is my favorite. This was hilarious!

    • Thanks! I posted this 2-3 weeks after I started the blog, and I was SO PROUD OF IT. And then it only got two comments, even though a friend pimped it on both facebook and twitter. Sigh… but my internet connection is broke right now so it’s a great time for a reblog.

  12. Did you swipe them in any specific color pattern?

  13. Peaches says:

    I feel like I’ve seen this post before…or I’m psychic. Your kids are super cute though!

  14. 1. Your boy is adorable.
    2. You are smart to teach them economics from such a young age; they’ll be sitting on a gold mine when the apocalypse comes
    3. CANDY!

  15. HAHAHA! As a new reader, I am so glad you reblogged this. Hilarious. It’s very important for children to learn the economics of candy distribution. lol

    • When I first wrote this, I was convinced it was the greatest post ever…. And… crickets. I think I had started this blog about three weeks before I wrote this, but everyone knows that feeling.

  16. Pingback: The Tyranny of Muffins | Ruminations on Love & Lunchmeat

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