The talented Ms. Blunt shall be playing my role today. (Photo Credit:Wikipedia.com)
I should preface this with a brief explanation. I love America, and have no desire to live elsewhere… unless I’m offered a really good tiara. As it turns out, when offered cushy chairs and jewel encrusted capes, I can be persuaded to do just about anything live elsewhere.
Since Rich of Brainsnorts suggested we start our own country, we decided to outline the basic principles of kingdom building.
1. Urban planning is very important. Make sure to build a giant model out of Legos first. Blocks can only go so far, but those basic, primary colors will help to make a great flag.
2. Construct a giant wall. Pacifism is preferred, and a giant wall should help. The best way to be Amish is to be surrounded by people who are not Amish; second best is to build a giant wall.
3. Just in case, there should still be an armory. I often think about how important prevention is while I’m eating my daily bacon.
4. Recognize that the right climate is essential. Most fruits and vegetables grow better in a warmish climate. Also, the pigs will like it, and there will be lots and lots of pigs. This is another reason for the giant wall – to keep the rabbits away from the fruits and vegetables and to keep the pigs from running away. Pigs are smart, and they know their real purpose and potential is in the form of long, rectangular strips.
Don’t worry. We won’t eat any that are named Wilbur. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
5. We shall have very loose tax laws and numerous resorts. That will encourage rich folks to bank in our country and help build our economy. Should you happen to be a “rich folk,” please fill out a questionnaire to let us know which amenities you’d like at the resort. WiFi is already included. Butlers optional.
6. Dammit. Warm climate. Plan for the inevitable sunburn. Invest heavily in Neutrogena Sport Sunnlock, SPF 2 Million. Another way to avoid sunburn is to remain underwater, so we’ll have to consider building a waterpark.
it was either this or a photo of Kim Kardashian… You’re welcome. (Photo Credit: Indiansunburn.com)
7. Build several hospitals. Rich folks get persnikety about medical care in foreign countries. Make sure each hospital has at least 40 spare generators and 20 plastic surgeons. (Thank goodness the rest of the world uses our nation as a tax shelter.)
8. We should have several theatres, with good restaurants and speakeasies nearby. Creative folks draw positive media attention in a way that filthy rich capitalists do not. It’s a symbiotic thing. Without some criminals lurking about, Batman would be little more than a threatening doorman.
9. Cats are not permitted. All other pet ownership is encouraged, but especially pigs.
10. A good name is essential to attracting the right folks. The Richlovian Isle of Bacon has a really nice ring to it. Since the name requires that we be an island, swimming lessons and a boat are mandatory. Learning all the words to Sloop John B is optional.
Feel free to join us, and/or be the first to invest in our fine offshore accounts! We promise not to tell as long as you cut us in…
Are you sure you want people to have pigs as pets?
Imagine poor Bobby’s disappointment when Snuffles disappears during the weekly bacon festival.
Only to turn up a few hours later as a delicioouuuusss BLT…
I think perhaps we should tell them bacon is made from cats… thus no cats. I also think if each family has enough pigs, it won’t be too noticeable when one goes missing.
I love it! I want my own country too! And a tiara! Unlike my 12 year old, I still want to be a princess or better Queen of All I Survey.
Although a stay at the Isle of Bacon sounds divine! I love that there are no cats.
I strongly recommend creating your own country. It is so much fun; I couldn’t stop giggling while writing this! The tiara was just the icing on the cake.
Oh, another person doing Yeah Write. I should really try to submit something, but they say there is supposed to be a point to it. I’m not sure if I can do that.
No, it’s great! You should do it. Check out both the site itself and (one of the) editor’s page, which is… http://reedsterspeaks.com I really like doing these things. Even though I have a healthy blog, I need to do these sorts of things to stay motivated. I’m really just a lazy slacker at heart…
Me too. I will try to check him out when I’m done beating my head against my blog – oh and getting back to what I”m supposed to be doing.
I’m so with it. How do you submit a post to the yeah write guys? Just email them? Durrr. I will hang with the pigs in your fabulous mythical bacon kingdom now.
Okay, I don’t have your email so let’s have a conversation heres, okays? I also signed up for the picket fence thing, but it will NOT let me post the button in the image url box. I post the code, save, and it disappears from the box and then messes up the button. I am so fab with tech, but I’ve never had it do that before.
Ha! My e-mail is loveandlunchmeat@gmail.com, but we can talk here too. I seem to have it added as a widget, but with no actual image. It’s a text link. Last August I decided to expand into more social media, but most of it I don’t use too much. Twitter is the one I ended up loving, although a lot of people seem into Blogher.
If cats aren’t allowed, I’m not moving
.
I will personally buy you twenty small (mean) dogs if you promise to leave the cat in Belgium. Cats don’t like overseas travel anyway.
Hmmlhmlhmlhlm….
.
… I’ll think about it
disguise them.
Dammit!
shhh. lure in cats, make cat bacon. shhh.
This is genius! (I do not like cats.)
this was so interesting that i thought i might have written it. well done, miss. i prefer smoked bacon, maybe applewood.
Ja. That explains the credit at the top…
i hope ja means jackass. one of my favorite words.
I have no idea what ja means. I thought it meant yeah, but really it could mean anything…
then that’s my title on the isle. JA. jackass.
Are mini alpacas allowed? If so, I’m in. Let me go hoooome, I wanna go hoooome.
Yes. Also, can we hire you as a lounge singer? We are always in need of good lounge singers.
Absolutely! I will accept mere pittance since that’s what I already make at my current job.
Well, I’m not a rich folk, but I’m pretty good at speaking and being easy, so I can contribute in a meaningful way. See you soon. I’ll take the next flying pig in.
Phenomenal! I hadn’t even thought about marketing the flying pigs…
I like walls because they keep in plagues as well…..
Hmmm… You don’t think the plastic surgeons will come in handy when the pandemic starts? How about we outlaw rats?
Ahh, cat lovers around the world are weeping…
They weep pretty much every time they come to this blog… That said, I really am allergic, unlike my son’s imaginary vegetable allergies.
So is my husband, which is why we are cat-free. Therefore, we’d do just fine in your new country.
You had me at pigs. Can I arrange for a pet pig when I arrive in your country?
There shall be several pet pigs waiting for you at the airport.
Daily bacon and legos? I’m in.
Awesome. Let me know if you’d like to attend one of our timeshare seminars.
lol! this is like an adult’s fairy tale post! can I live in your kingdom?
Absolutely! As long as you don’t own cats
I don’t. More than 2 cats give me the creeps.
Also, a bacon based economy would be a good way to avoid conflict such as we are seeing in the Gaza at the moment,given that neither side in that struggle can abide being anywhere near bacon.
This is ingenius really! Let me know if you’d like a role in Parliament or Congress. (Haven’t decided which…)
Haha! This is hilarious! I thought I was the only person to brainstorm about the best ways to rule my own country! So true about the wall. That is a big one on my list!
Imagining yourself as the ruler of a small island country is the most fun thing ever! So, it’s obviously totally normal to plan it out…