I Think We Need to Have a Serious Conversation About Phlegm and Zombie Cats

Do not be fooled by this cute cat. It is probably evil.

* If you are a cat lover, this post is not for you.  If you recently asked for a story about mucous and/or zombies, this post was written ESPECIALLY FOR YOU!  Yes, personalized blog posts are just another service I provide.  Be sure to tell your friends, people.

I have a problem with cats.  When I was very young, I LOVED them.  As it turns out, as with so many seemingly awesome things, cats are not good for me.  I’m extremely allergic.  Basically, if I’m around a cat, the minute I come home, I need to remove all clothing at the door.  If I don’t remember to do this, I traipse cat dander all over my house, and sneeze every time I sit on my couch…

(My house is otherwise relatively clean; the two inches of dust bunnies under my couch are entirely irrelevant to this story.)

Herein lies the problem.  The cats know I’m allergic.  Although they’re normally standoffish, cats flock to me.  Even when I’m trying to ignore those beastly things, they rub themselves all over my ankles.  Bastard cats.  (All cats are probably bastards, right?  I mean, what sort of lunatic would intentionally breed cats?  Eew.)

Try as I may to avoid the bastards cats, our neighborhood is full of strays.  (I’m sure the fact that my neighbor feeds them has no impact whatsoever on our growing population of stray cats…)  We find cats everywhere.  We find cat poop in our yard.  Our dog chases them.  We find them taking shelter under our cars at night, and occasionally we find them in our garage.  Also, if we don’t remember to put our garbage lids on, they come popping up out of the pails and give us heart attacks.  And when we look at them, they stare right back at us, as if they fucking own the place.  Bastard cats!

Is that weird glow coming from… your cat? You do know that pet ownership is optional, right?

My husband chases them off down the street, but those bastard cats… They always come back for more.  Our road is near a school and gets a moderate amount of traffic.  And yet… These cats never die.  In cat years, they’re probably like 247 years old.  I swear they’re zombies or something.

And that’s the real reason we are moving.  We are moving to escape zombie cat dander.

If your cat’s eyes look like this, I strongly suggest euthanasia.

Do you find yourself sneezing a lot recently?  Is your throat itching from pet dander?  Perhaps there are zombie cats in your neighborhood too… 

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48 Responses to I Think We Need to Have a Serious Conversation About Phlegm and Zombie Cats

  1. Liverwurst says:

    You are a mean, mean lady. What did those adorable puff balls ever do to you? I’m glad to hear the cats are winning and forcing you to make a strategic retreat

  2. Carrie Rubin says:

    Haha–you sound like my husband. He’s very allergic to cats, and yet, they flock to him. Now that I know they’re zombie cats, it makes sense.

    Thanks for your kind words over on Char’s blog. I haven’t had a chance to respond to any because of this conference I’m supposed to be paying attention to (but you’ll be happy to know your zombie cats wooed me more), but your comment was much appreciated. :)

    • Cats are evil. The more you dislike them, the more they want to crawl in your lap…

      And anytime! You really are one of the most generous bloggers, leaving great comments all over the blogosphere! And I’m glad I was able to distract you from your conference; I read there would be no chocolate and was concerned. ;)

      • Carrie Rubin says:

        Definitely no chocolate. Our afternoon snack consisted of raw veggies. That’s great–I’m all for healthy food, but how about some trail mix or something to keep my stomach from growling,

        Thanks again. :)

  3. We have a zombie cat! Her name is Lulu. She theoretically belongs to the people two doors down from us, but really she belongs to the universe or the ages.

  4. La La says:

    Cats flock to me, too. I have a theory that it’s because I got rid of my ex-boyfriend’s cat and they ALL KNOW and are going to haunt me for the rest of my days.

  5. We’ve got a cat at home, similar to that devil cat you’ve pictured. So yes, this post wasn’t forme :). Com’on, cats are awesome. They dig holes to leave their poo, they wash themselves, they wander around on their own. What’s better than that? ;)

  6. Val says:

    Cats try to flock to me, but I have learnt how to keep them in abeyance. I miaow at them. I’ve come to the conclusion that I may be telling them ‘miaow off, you miaowing miaow!’ and no cat likes to be sworn at. Not in cat-speak, anyway, as they like to think they have the upper paw. Or whisker.

    I’m also allergic to cats but I don’t hate them for that. It’s not their fault that some of their species have occasionally landed me in hospital. What is their fault is their taste for my small birdie friends.

  7. Cats are from outer space.

  8. Mooselicker says:

    I’ve noticed more cats around my neighborhood recently. The worst is the one that wears the bell. You can hear him coming but still there’s nothing you can do.

    Cat owners might be worse than the cats. They can be like a serial killer’s mother denying their baby boy has grown up to kill prostitutes.

  9. They’re not just bastard cats. They’re rat bastard cats and yeah, they are from freakin’ outer space. But they probably make great zombie killers.

  10. The Waiting says:

    My mom’s neighbors leave food out for stray cats I’m pretty sure one day she will kil the cats and her neighbors.

  11. When I first met my husband 14 years ago, he told me he hated my two cats. I told him I hated that he smoked. He gave up smoking, I kept my cats. It was a true love story. Now, we have zero pets and no desire to ever get another cat. A dog, sure (I’m definitely more a dog person). But with two kids, who needs more pooping/peeing/eating machines around the house?

    • Oh, that is “Twue Love” indeed!

      And I couldn’t agree more about animals. With three young kids, our poor dog is totally neglected and ignored. All he is to us is another peeing/pooping/eating machine. To make matters worse, he is not even good at cleaning food off the floor. I think he might be defective.

  12. Cats crack me up. I don’t know what their deal is with people who are allergic, but it’s just hilarious (to everyone but the allergic person, of course). “Oh, something wrong? Why aren’t you interested in me? I find that very attractive. Shall we snuggle? No? Very well. I’ll go take a nap on your coat.”

  13. Susan says:

    I had to leave our two cats behind when we moved recently. They’re now living the single life in a penthouse apartment without children. I miss them, but not all the hair they shed that I’m still finding as I unpack. OK, and I just saw a stray cat outside my office window attack and eat a bird. Ugh! Outlaws.

    P.S. I just told Dee the other day that I feel like a moron for not realizing this was your blog. Your better blog from the other place. You’re a riot and great writer. I’ll make sure I recognize you at Top’s Diner the next time :)

    • Hiya! Unfortunately, I’m probably far funnier on my blog than in real life, but I did giggle a lot while writing this post. I probably shouldn’t admit to laughing at my own jokes, but there it is.

      Am really hoping that next time they have the lobster mac and cheese available! And I have been uber lazy, but you’re the first to call me out on it…

      • I had a writing teacher who asked us if we liked reading our own writing. We all did but didn’t want to admit it. He said, “Well you better like your own stuff, or not one else will.” Good point. So we can be all full of ourselves all we want. Why not, cats are, and they don’t do squat except be evil.

        • I hadn’t really thought of if that way. I hate reading my own autobiographical stuff even though I do my best to make it good writing. In contrast, I really do chuckle while writing about ridiculous things like zombie cats. Also, the words sad-faced and mad-faced make me laugh EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

          • That’s what I love about the internet – all the made up words you can use! Like madfaced, speshul snowflake, fuckballs, etc. And who doesn’t love zombies? I think zombie cat is perfect because have you ever looked at their eyes? They flipping glow in the dark. Zombie. Evil. Evil zombie cats.

  14. Julie DeNeen says:

    Awww…cat lover here. Send them my way! LOL

  15. One cat is okay. Two cats or more…creepy to me! They remind me of the Stephen King novel, Sleepwalkers.

  16. lcat20 says:

    Ahaha, yah cats can be evil… i’ve sort of disliked them since one scratched the shit outa my face when I was young. After that, I only like our family cat, all the others scared me.. plus they pee on everything :/
    but, I found this online a while ago.. hilarious ways to tell if the zombie cat apocalypse is beginning.. follow the warnings! save yourself! lol

    http://theoatmeal.com/misc/frame/cat_kill

    • I know. A cat was a former resident of my parent’s house. First they removed the rug, but then the wood underneath needed to be bleached over and over again.

      • lcat20 says:

        Yep.. we have like 3 or 4 spots in our house where the little ‘bastards’ wrecked the hard wood. We tried all these old wives tales trying to repair it, but of course they dont work. Now when ever we want to move, we’ll have to re finish at least one whole floor :/
        evilness…. you never hear people talk about dogs this way.

  17. You already know my feelings on cats. My only allowance for them is that the feral ones in my neighborhood keep mice away. Or occasionally deposit dead mice on my doors. I’ve got mixed emotions about that. Just don’t come near me. But yes, they do know when they aren’t liked or wanted.

  18. Oh, yes, cats definitely sense when people don’t like them and decide they make great cushions. I had two cats before I had kids, and my mom was allergic (now I am thanks to having two cats in the house), and one of my cats licked her feet. Yuck. And another one leapt out of a tree and nearly gave her a heart attack. Psycho cats. When we had another peeing pooping machine (baby) we had to give up the cats to some other owners. Our brains could only work so far. I used to love pets,but now I figure I spent like six years changing diapers and I’m done with poop. But Thing Two (youngest daughter) keeps pestering me and that kid will NOT give up. She may be part cat herself.

    Have you ever read Dave Barry? He hates cats too. He thinks they are evil and when they dissappear they are going to investment seminars to learn what to do with your money if you die (when they sit on your face while you sleep). They’ve heard about those old ladies leaving money to their cats. Don’t trust them. :D

    • I haven’t read Dave Barry, although I think I used to watch a show that he wrote. (I can’t remember the name, but it had a great Billy Joel theme song.)

      Cats really are horrible, but the owners who treat their animals better than they treat their own children are far far worse…

      • Oh, you must read Dave Barry! He is SO funny. And he hates cats. I have all his books and got the opportunity to meet him in person at a library conference. I shook his hand and my husband joked that I wouldn’t wash it for a week. Lol.

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