* If you are a cat lover, this post is not for you. If you recently asked for a story about mucous and/or zombies, this post was written ESPECIALLY FOR YOU! Yes, personalized blog posts are just another service I provide. Be sure to tell your friends, people.
I have a problem with cats. When I was very young, I LOVED them. As it turns out, as with so many seemingly awesome things, cats are not good for me. I’m extremely allergic. Basically, if I’m around a cat, the minute I come home, I need to remove all clothing at the door. If I don’t remember to do this, I traipse cat dander all over my house, and sneeze every time I sit on my couch…
(My house is otherwise relatively clean; the two inches of dust bunnies under my couch are entirely irrelevant to this story.)
Herein lies the problem. The cats know I’m allergic. Although they’re normally standoffish, cats flock to me. Even when I’m trying to ignore those beastly things, they rub themselves all over my ankles. Bastard cats. (All cats are probably bastards, right? I mean, what sort of lunatic would intentionally breed cats? Eew.)
Try as I may to avoid
the bastards cats, our neighborhood is full of strays. (I’m sure the fact that my neighbor feeds them has no impact whatsoever on our growing population of stray cats…) We find cats everywhere. We find cat poop in our yard. Our dog chases them. We find them taking shelter under our cars at night, and occasionally we find them in our garage. Also, if we don’t remember to put our garbage lids on, they come popping up out of the pails and give us heart attacks. And when we look at them, they stare right back at us, as if they fucking own the place. Bastard cats!
My husband chases them off down the street, but those bastard cats… They always come back for more. Our road is near a school and gets a moderate amount of traffic. And yet… These cats never die. In cat years, they’re probably like 247 years old. I swear they’re zombies or something.
And that’s the real reason we are moving. We are moving to escape zombie cat dander.