The Most Magnificent Story You’ll Ever Read About Santa Claus and Seahorses

DISCLAIMER: Title might be a slight exaggeration, a cheap marketing ploy, or this might really be the only best story you’ll ever read about Santa Claus and seahorses.  You probably won’t know until you read it…

I always knew Santa was a sham.  All the empirical evidence pointed to this conclusion.  Yes, I was a little kid, and I didn’t know anything about empirical evidence, but it just didn’t feel right.

First there were my parents.  Why did my dad always lock his workshop right before the holidays?  Why did my mom always look shifty-eyed and stressed?  And why were they always talking about Santa Claus watching me?  I strongly suspected they were lying to my sister and I.  Of course, the gifts did help lighten the blow.

Then there was Santa Claus himself.  How did such a fat man manage to scurry down so many chimneys so quickly?  And how did he manage to be in so many places at one time?  My parents were constantly uttering the phrase “I can’t be in two places at once.”  So, how come this Santa guy could bilocate if they couldn’t?  (Sidenote: I did not know about bilocation then either, but it makes my argument sound much better.)

Lastly, there was the year-round marketing campaign.  If Santa Claus was real, why was there fake Christmas in July where they sold furniture at half-price?  And how were the reindeer supposed to pull the sleigh in July, with no snow, and all that heavy furniture?  All of the evidence pointed to Santa Claus being a big ol’ fake.

To be honest, as an adult it makes me kinda sad.  Everyone else seems to have a great story about the day they lost their Christmas innocence and I don’t.  My story is incredibly boring.  One day, when I was five-years-old, my older sister came home from school all excited to tell me the big news!  “Santa Claus isn’t real!!!  That’s just something Mom and Dad tell us so that we behave!  They’re the ones who buy us presents.”

I’m pretty sure I yawned when she told me this.  Duh.  Of course, Santa Claus wasn’t real.  Neither were unicorns, mermaids, or seahorses.  I suppose I was a bit of a pessimist.  Anyway, from a very young age, I obviously understood the difference between things that are real and mythical creatures created by my parents, television marketing, and the fine folks over at Mattel and Disney.  There was no way I was going to be fooled into thinking things like flying ponies, Ewoks, or seahorses were real.

Imagine my surprise, when my husband and I were talking about mythical creatures one day, and I mentioned seahorses.  “But, honey, seahorses are real.”  Although he looked a little concerned, my husband said this with no real conviction.

“No they’re not.  That’s just some mythical creature that mermaids ride around on.  They’re obviously not real, just like mermaids.”  Yes, I failed Coral Reefs in college, which my hubby loves to tease me about, but SHEESH!  You don’t need to be a marine biologist to know that seahorses aren’t real.  (Also, that was a Friday morning class, and ranked slightly below me getting my beauty sleep.)

“Honey, I really think they’re real.  We should look it up.”  He kindly doesn’t use this opportunity to remind me about my failure of Coral Reefs and just how little I know about underwater ecosystems.

“Right.  How about you look up w-w-w dot seahorses aren’t real dot com?”  My hubby laughs, and neither of us bother to actually look it up.  “That’s just something Mattel invented because it goes along so nicely with mermaids.”

My blog name really should have been http://www.seahorsesarereal.com…;

“Hmmm.  I guess you’re probably right.”  It’s already late, and we’re both tired.  Plus, how much energy are we really going to put into a disagreement over seahorses?  So, we go to bed, and forget about it.

Imagine my surprise a few months later, when I’m looking at pictures of marine life on the internet, and lo and behold!  There’s a seahorse!  It’s not as pretty as the Mattel seahorses, but …  What the heck!!??

I start frantically clicking links.  Seahorses are real????  I couldn’t have been wrong all these years!  After clicking a few links, it dawns on me.  I was wrong about seahorses.  I was twenty-five when I finally made this breakthrough.

Oh, well, at least I was still right about Santa Claus.  I think…

(If you’d like to share any embarrassing stories about being dumber than a bag of rocks, now would be an excellent time…)
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20 Responses to The Most Magnificent Story You’ll Ever Read About Santa Claus and Seahorses

  1. El Guapo says:

    All I have to ask you is: For christmas, did whatever version of Santa that brought gifts bring socks?
    Because Hannukah Harry did. Every damn year.

    And they wonder why I’m agnostic.
    Socks.
    Hmph.

    • We DID get socks in our stockings! (Yep, socks within socks.) And that was even more evidence that Santa was a sham!

      And it makes perfect sense that you’d be forced to become an agnostic. Every other kid gets toys and you get socks.

  2. Seahorses are so cute. And they’re even real! That’s a funny story, Lovely.

    But the Tooth Fairy is real, right? Because when I’m old and start losing my teeth, I’m going to be counting on that Tooth Fairy money.

    • Oh, the tooth fairy is definitely real! And you’re probably more likely to get money from her than Social Security…

      Seahorses are beyond beautiful… almost as pretty as unicorns. :D

  3. Hobbles says:

    What! Santa isn’t real! crazy. My kids are done believing in the tooth fairy because I keep forgetting the damn things and then I just give them bribe money later…

  4. Mooselicker says:

    As a kid this seems like a viable mistake to continue on with. People believe a lot sillier things. You’re better off being a skeptic than someone who believes everything.

    I always see things online about sailors finding dead mermaids. They’re never as pretty as Ariel.

    • Dead mermaids? They make a fateful attempt to actually drag them out of the sea and force them to live on land?

      Have you seen any video before they die? Do they at least sing like Ariel?

  5. amb says:

    Plus, the male seahorses are the ones who carry the babies! Pure craziness! No wonder you thought they weren’t real…

  6. zinemin says:

    This is the best story I have ever read about Santa Claus and seahorses. :)

  7. gbreed2009 says:

    I am new here, my name is Beth and I stumbled upon your blog and have to say that I am delighted to have found you.
    I found out that Santa wasn’t real during a really rough patch in my 9 year old life. My mother was crossing the street and a car from no where slammed her 70 feet into the air. That happend Thanksgiving. Little kids were not allowed in hospitals all that much back in 1968 and I had to rely on grown ups telling me things and especially that my mama was alive. I just knew that she was dead and even tho they told me it was serious, but she was alive I just didn’t believe it.
    I had to see it.
    There was someone else telling me something that I didn’t believe and that there was no santa and never had been, but finally I was able to go and see my mother and I asked her point blank. I think that she knew I needed the truth and so she told me the truth.
    I believed her.
    Santa and Seahorses what a great story!!!

    • I think when you’re a kid, once you realize your parents are lying to you about one thing, it’s weird. Because if you’re smart, you then wonder, what else are they lying to you about? You really don’t know what’s real and what isn’t. I’m sorry to hear about your mom’s accident, but happy to hear she survived.

      And thanks!

  8. Andrewelizabeth says:

    I thoroughly enjoy the fact that you didn’t believe in the existence of seahorses until your twenties…I enjoy even more that while your husband looked concerned about this fact, you still ultimately convinced him that perhaps he was wrong and seahorses, like Santa Claus and sand monsters, were mythical! (OK – let me restate that last part – sand monsters are very real…just ask Drew, who is extremely lucky that he’s not salty enough and the sand monster spit him back out.)

    • Yes, that is why one should be studious even in one-credit throwaway courses like coral reefs. Imagine all the things I would know had I taken school seriously the first go around.

      Of course, I probably would have had a lot less time on my hands for find mischief.

      You gotta hand it to my husband though. He’s been putting up with me for 10 years now, despite me being a miscreant.

  9. Andrewelizabeth says:

    It is very, very important to have time on your hands to find mischief, so I applaud your choices. Also, it is my very strong suspicion that your husband puts up with you in part BECAUSE of you being a miscreant.

  10. Great story! Just think, if there was a heap more things you didn’t believe in, you could discover them one by one throughout your life and give yourself lots of ‘wow’ experiences!

  11. Pingback: Tequila and Fairytales | Ruminations on Love & Lunchmeat

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