DISCLAIMER: Title might be a slight exaggeration, a cheap marketing ploy, or this might really be the
only best story you’ll ever read about Santa Claus and seahorses. You probably won’t know until you read it…
First there were my parents. Why did my dad always lock his workshop right before the holidays? Why did my mom always look shifty-eyed and stressed? And why were they always talking about Santa Claus watching me? I strongly suspected they were lying to my sister and I. Of course, the gifts did help lighten the blow.
Then there was Santa Claus himself. How did such a fat man manage to scurry down so many chimneys so quickly? And how did he manage to be in so many places at one time? My parents were constantly uttering the phrase “I can’t be in two places at once.” So, how come this Santa guy could bilocate if they couldn’t? (Sidenote: I did not know about bilocation then either, but it makes my argument sound much better.)
Lastly, there was the year-round marketing campaign. If Santa Claus was real, why was there fake Christmas in July where they sold furniture at half-price? And how were the reindeer supposed to pull the sleigh in July, with no snow, and all that heavy furniture? All of the evidence pointed to Santa Claus being a big ol’ fake.
To be honest, as an adult it makes me kinda sad. Everyone else seems to have a great story about the day they lost their Christmas innocence and I don’t. My story is incredibly boring. One day, when I was five-years-old, my older sister came home from school all excited to tell me the big news! “Santa Claus isn’t real!!! That’s just something Mom and Dad tell us so that we behave! They’re the ones who buy us presents.”
I’m pretty sure I yawned when she told me this. Duh. Of course, Santa Claus wasn’t real. Neither were unicorns, mermaids, or seahorses. I suppose I was a bit of a pessimist. Anyway, from a very young age, I obviously understood the difference between things that are real and mythical creatures created by my parents, television marketing, and the fine folks over at Mattel and Disney. There was no way I was going to be fooled into thinking things like flying ponies, Ewoks, or seahorses were real.
Imagine my surprise, when my husband and I were talking about mythical creatures one day, and I mentioned seahorses. “But, honey, seahorses are real.” Although he looked a little concerned, my husband said this with no real conviction.
“No they’re not. That’s just some mythical creature that mermaids ride around on. They’re obviously not real, just like mermaids.” Yes, I failed Coral Reefs in college, which my hubby loves to tease me about, but SHEESH! You don’t need to be a marine biologist to know that seahorses aren’t real. (Also, that was a Friday morning class, and ranked slightly below me getting my beauty sleep.)
“Honey, I really think they’re real. We should look it up.” He kindly doesn’t use this opportunity to remind me about my failure of Coral Reefs and just how little I know about underwater ecosystems.
“Right. How about you look up w-w-w dot seahorses aren’t real dot com?” My hubby laughs, and neither of us bother to actually look it up. “That’s just something Mattel invented because it goes along so nicely with mermaids.”
“Hmmm. I guess you’re probably right.” It’s already late, and we’re both tired. Plus, how much energy are we really going to put into a disagreement over seahorses? So, we go to bed, and forget about it.
Imagine my surprise a few months later, when I’m looking at pictures of marine life on the internet, and lo and behold! There’s a seahorse! It’s not as pretty as the Mattel seahorses, but … What the heck!!??
I start frantically clicking links. Seahorses are real???? I couldn’t have been wrong all these years! After clicking a few links, it dawns on me. I was wrong about seahorses. I was twenty-five when I finally made this breakthrough.
Oh, well, at least I was still right about Santa Claus. I think…