The Dirty Dozen: 12 Things I Learned from Star Wars

We’ve started our boys on Star Wars.  At first we tried to start them with Episodes 1, 2, and 3. but those episodes are really confusing, both for little kids and adults alike.  (Why does Amidala fall for Anakin?  Can someone please explain this to me?)  And my five-year-old couldn’t stop asking questions after Episode 2.  “Wait!  He’s a good guy, but he kills families and children?”  So my husband decided to go back to the first trilogy, but mostly they just watch Episode 4 over and over again.  (For those who are dying to know, in the version we have, Greedo shoots first.)  At this point, John can recap Episode 4 almost scene by scene.

Anyway, on Saturday the boys had friends over, and we watched it again.  This may or may not have been at my prompting when it came down to either Star Wars or Cars.  (Every single rainy day this spring we watched Cars…)  Anyway, I decided to put together this helpful list.

12 Lessons I learned from watching Star Wars:

1. Nothing melts a woman’s heart like sarcastically referring to her as “your highness”.  Do it repeatedly.  Also, insult her as often as possible.  Reverse psychology works like a charm on rebel leaders and princesses alike.

2. Learn how to pilot an airplane or spaceship.  In the event of an apocalypse and/ or the empire deciding to shoot death missiles at your planet, you’ll be glad you did.

3. If you die, you’ll come back stronger.  I’m pretty sure that only works for Jedi.  So you might want to be careful with this one.

4. If you’re angry, don’t hesitate to kill everyone in sight.  Even women as smart as Queen Amidala just can’t resist a bad boy.

5.  Bad guys almost always wear uniforms and/or look slightly creepy.  When good guys go bad, they also start wearing uniforms and looking creepy.  Villains with headgear that looks like Hannibal Lector get bonus points.  I think.

“I look awesome.  Way better than Jabba or Lector.  They just look deranged.”

“Please. I’m naturally creepy looking. Nothing beats that.”

Villains!

6. Magnetic forces can work for or against you.  Proceed with caution.  You may die, or you may get the opportunity to rescue a princess from kidnappers!

7. Choose your friends and business associates very carefully.  Choose poorly and you’ll end up frozen in carbonite and locked away in a vault full of other people who also didn’t choose wisely.

8. Be wary of politicians and the politically minded.  (Actually, I’m pretty sure this lesson is dead on.)

9. The easiest way to end a boring conversation is to shoot something.  Ha!  Try that one at your next boring Christmas party…

“STOP TALKING ABOUT THE CRUDITE!”

10. The best way to seduce a woman is to show her your flying fruit trick.  She’ll swoon, and marry you in no time.  All women love the flying fruit trick.

11. If you want everyone to think you’re extremely wise, your words you should scramble.  Never mind Strunk and White; that book is outdated anyway, and doesn’t account for geniuses willing to think entirely outside the box!

12. Anger can be very destructive, and one should resist anger and hatred.  With a little love and some light saber skills, you just might be able to save the galaxy from evil and hatred…

Feel free to add to the list!

*All pictures are from wikipedia.

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16 Responses to The Dirty Dozen: 12 Things I Learned from Star Wars

  1. haha! cute and true! love the subtitles! :)

  2. Love.This. And it’s true. Chicks dig the bad boys.

  3. El Guapo says:

    13 – When you’ve done something perfectly, STOP PLAYING WITH IT.
    (I’m looking at you, George.)
    (And Han shot first.)
    (Sheesh, I’m such a nerd.)

    • I know, but we own the revisionist history version… (If you have the old VHS you might have the original version.) I like the new Star Wars. The only problem is they just don’t compare to the old Star Wars… although the dialogue in Episode 2 never fails to make me laugh. Truly the worst romance ever.

  4. jimmydevious says:

    * Apparently Bantha Fodder is the worst possible thing in the known Universe. Too bad Bantha Fodder never got that memo on it’s TPS reports.

    * You can be a boy with a girlie-sounding nickname as a child (Annie, WTF? ) and still grow up to be a (mostly) badass.

    * There’s nothing sexier on a Jedi than a beard AND a mullet.

    * Screw flowers, Candy, a Good Meal, Sexy Clothing, or taking her to a movie, there is NOTHING that seduces a girl faster than aimless outside frollicking and falling down like a clumsy oaf. Frollick my children frollick away!! :)

    • These are seriously great additions! The super-sexy mullet hadn’t even occurred to me until just now.

      And how did I not catch the Annie thing either? I think nerd humor must be your area of expertise or something… :)

  5. ChrisP says:

    I do #1 on a regular basis it REALLY does work quite often :-D

    I’ll also add that if you use gibberish measurements like Parseks people will think you’re really smart and be afraid to ask what it means for fear of looking simple

  6. I’ve already decided – when my child is old enough for Star Wars, we’re starting with Episode IV.

    I think a good lesson is also “Be Han Solo.”

    • Oh, that is a good lesson! But really only for boys… (No one pays any attention to this blog, if you have news to spill…)

      Starting with Episode 4 makes way more sense. It’s a lot easier for kids to understand the old trilogy.

  7. Jules Vega says:

    When you want to open or close a door.. but you don’t have the codes.. just shoot the module.. works every time

  8. kidfos says:

    * Genuflects before you.* We’re not worthy… We’re not worthy.

    Ahem.

    I see nothing wrong with a healthy dose of Star Wars in a child’s life. It ignites their imaginations as if Bonfire night and the Forth of July were rolled into one spectacular event. Seeing Empire Strikes Back at the cinema as a child lurks cinematographically in my mind much like the only spell Rincewind ever learnt.

    Lil’ ‘un has been watching them with me since the day she returned home with me. She now mimics Darth Vaders force choke at people she doesn’t like. Mutters “May the force be with us” when shocked, yells “Punch it Chewie when I start the car, and insists she is a Princess. That last one wasn’t too bad,as her mother was charmed by it, well right up until she started referring to her cousins as scruffy nerfherders…

    Episodes I, II, III have not been on the view list. I’m treating them very much like I am treating religion around her. She knows they exist, but she is free to explore them in her own time and way as it would be hypocritical of me to foster a passion for either on to her.

    Oh, and you forgot #13 on the list: When someone exclaims that they love you, you must only ever answer with ” I know.”

    Peace
    &
    Needless words omit you must.

    • Ha! I’m sure the 27 hours of watching Star Wars and 4 hours of coaching was totally worth it the minute you heard “Punch it Chewie.”

      My daughter now insists on being called “Kiddo”, but only on Mondays and Thursdays. The other days of the week, she glares at me and tells me her name is Rosie. Mostly, I think she’s relieved that I’ve stopped calling her Baby.

      As for #13, perhaps Han simply understood that four letter words are generally cheap? That’s not to say they can’t be expensive, since the perfect combination of words is always expensive.

      As for the genuflection, you should probably save that for God. (If Princess Leia wrote a blog, all she’d want to hear was that her blog was awesome beyond belief. Bonus points if the sarcasm is not palpable.) And you’re probably best off telling your daughter that God is probably female. Let’s face it. The notion of a vengeful female God makes way more sense.

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